We Need Real Restaurant Critics

Why? and not just more gushing positivity from the spamfluencers.

There’s a brilliant Substack article doing the rounds by Lesley Chesterman on The State of Restaurant Reviewing—and if you haven’t read it, you should. She points out what most of us in the biz already know: the restaurant review, once a sacred rite of ink and power, is born from a diluted cocktail of advertising, content strategy, and unearned praise.

She also makes a sharp jab that stuck with me: most reviewers lack the legitimacy to be true critics.

Fair. Fair enough. But here's the thing—what’s even worse than illegitimate criticism?

No criticism at all.

Because what we’ve got now is an industry saturated with spamfluencers, TikTok tourists, and lifestyle bloggers chasing comped tiramisu and five seconds of foodie fame. Everyone’s too bloody nice. Everything’s "delicious," every croquette is "the best I’ve ever had," and every overpriced tartare is "a hidden gem." No one is saying what needs to be said: this is crap, and here’s why.

Now Lesley responded to my comment on the post saying:
"Frankly the criticism often bothers me more than the gushing positivity, because it's based on what knowledge exactly?"

And that’s a fair slap. But let me tell you what knowledge. Because if we're going to talk about legitimacy, pull up a stool.

I grew up in a family that stopped shopping at supermarkets when I was 10. My parents grew their own veg, baked bread, lived in service of the season. I spent my childhood summers in France, ordering a single dessert at every restaurant we visited just to taste and compare. I could spot a packet crème caramel at eight years old from a mile off. Thirty-two years later, my palate’s only sharper.

I’ve run kitchens, built menus, cooked for locals and tourists and chefs alike. I’ve worked every angle from food tours to food trucks to fine dining. I know what canned Boeuf Bourguignon tastes like because I’ve been served it by a food tour company charging €150 a head—and watched as guests nodded along to the “local recipe” spiel, blissfully unaware they were being fed reheated lies.

And that’s the thing: without critical voices, the charlatans thrive. The tour companies that don’t taste their own food. The restaurant owners who swap artisanal bacon for Metro’s cheapest cut to save 25 cents on a €15 dish. Looking at you, Chelsea at Mahlee Café—yes, I saw what you did with my charcutier’s bacon, and yes, it showed.

A restaurant owner or chef that isn’t using reviews to improve their offering deserves to head back to cooking on the line at Maccy D’s.

We need real restaurant critics and real critisism in the restaurant trade. There are a ton of crooks out there taking your hard earned dollars in return to re-heated metro chef fare.

It takes years to develop the kind of palate that knows what’s happening behind the pass. It takes thousands of meals, hundreds of missteps, and the humility to keep learning. The average diner doesn’t stand a chance against an unscrupulous chef with a frozen pastry arsenal and a fancy menu font.

And that’s why real criticism matters. Not the Yelp rants. Not the travel blogger fluff. Real, informed, unapologetic critique by people who know the difference between béchamel and béarnaise without Googling it.

The Michelin Guide got this right—love them or loathe them—because they used professionals. People trained to taste, observe, and measure with consistency. That’s what gives a review weight. That’s what gives readers power.

Because good restaurateurs want critics. Not because we stroke their egos, but because we sharpen their knives. We hold them accountable. We force them to do better.

So yes, I review restaurants. And yes, I’ve got the chops to do it. I write not to tear down—but to cut through the noise. Because someone has to.

And if your food can’t hold up to a bit of critique from someone who actually knows what they’re tasting… maybe you shouldn’t be charging for it.

Want to know who I actually trust to talk about food in this city?
I made a proper, chef-approved Paris Restaurant Guide for people who want more than croissant content and TikTok hype. Go read it. Bookmark it. Thank me later.